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The will mentioned NOT A PLAY； NOT A POEM； NOT AN UNFINISHED LITERARY WORK； NOT A SCRAP OF MANUSCRIPT OF ANY KIND。
Many poets have died poor； but this is the only one in history that has died THIS poor； the others all left literary remains behind。 Also a book。 Maybe two。
If Shakespeare had owned a dogbut we not go into that： we know he would have mentioned it in his will。 If a good dog； Susanna would have got it； if an inferior one his wife would have got a downer interest in it。 I wish he had had a dog； just so we could see how painstakingly he would have divided that dog among the family； in his careful business way。
He signed the will in three places。
In earlier years he signed two other official documents。
These five signatures still exist。
There are NO OTHER SPECIMENS OF HIS PENMANSHIP IN EXISTENCE。 Not a line。
Was he prejudiced against the art？ His granddaughter； whom he loved； was eight years old when he died； yet she had had no teaching； he left no provision for her education； although he was rich； and in her mature womanhood she couldn't write and couldn't tell her husband's manuscript from anybody else'sshe thought it was Shakespeare's。
When Shakespeare died in Stratford； IT WAS NOT AN EVENT。 It made no more stir in England than the death of any other forgotten theater…actor would have made。 Nobody came down from London； there were no lamenting poems； no eulogies； no national tearsthere was merely silence； and nothing more。 A striking contrast with what happened when Ben Jonson； and Francis Bacon； and Spenser； and Raleigh； and the other distinguished literary folk of Shakespeare's time passed from life！ No praiseful voice was lifted for the lost Bard of Avon； even Ben Jonson waited seven years before he lifted his。
SO FAR AS ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS AND CAN PROVE； Shakespeare of Stratford…on…Avon never wrote a play in his life。
SO FAR AS ANY ONE KNOWS； HE RECEIVED ONLY ONE LETTER DURING HIS LIFE。
So far as any one KNOWS AND CAN PROVE； Shakespeare of Stratford wrote only one poem during his life。 This one is authentic。 He did write that onea fact which stands undisputed； he wrote the whole of it； he wrote the whole of it out of his own head。 He commanded that this work of art be engraved upon his tomb； and he was obeyed。 There it abides to this day。 This is it：
Good friend for Iesus sake forbeare To digg the dust encloased heare： Blest be ye man yt spares thes stones And curst be he yt moves my bones。
In the list as above set down will be found EVERY POSITIVELY KNOWN fact of Shakespeare's life； lean and meager as the invoice is。 Beyond these details we know NOT A THING about him。 All the rest of his vast history； as furnished by the biographers； is built up； course upon course； of guesses； inferences； theories； conjecturesan Eiffel Tower of artificialities rising sky…high from a very flat and very thin foundation of inconsequential facts。
IV
Conjectures
The historians 〃suppose〃 that Shakespeare attended the Free School in Stratford from the time he was seven years old till he was thirteen。 There is no EVIDENCE in existence that he ever went to school at all。
The historians 〃infer〃 that he got his Latin in that school the school which they 〃suppose〃 he attended。
They 〃suppose〃 his father's declining fortunes made it necessary for him to leave the school they supposed he attended； and get to work and help support his parents and their ten children。 But there is no evidence that he ever entered or returned from the school they suppose he attended。
They 〃suppose〃 he assisted his father in the butchering business； and that； being only a boy； he didn't have to do full… grown butchering； but only slaughtering calves。 Also； that whenever he killed a calf he made a high…flown speech over it。 This supposition rests upon the testimony of a man who wasn't there at the time； a man who got it from a man who could have been there； but did not say whether he was nor not； and neither of them thought to mention it for decades； and decades； and decades； and two more decades after Shakespeare's death （until old age and mental decay had refreshed and vivified their memories）。 They hadn't two facts in stock about the long…dead distinguished citizen； but only just the one： he slaughtered calves and broke into oratory while he was at it。 Curious。 They had only one fact； yet the distinguished citizen had spent twenty…six years in that little townjust half his lifetime。 However； rightly viewed； it was the most important fact； indeed almost the only important fact； of Shakespeare's life in Stratford。 Rightly viewed。 For experience is an author's most valuable asset； experience is the thing that puts the muscle and the breath and the warm blood into the book he writes。 Rightly viewed； calf…butchering accounts for 〃Titus Andronicus；〃 the only playain't it？that the Stratford Shakespeare ever wrote； and yet it is the only one everybody tried to chouse him out of； the Baconians included。
The historians find themselves 〃justified in believing〃 that the young Shakespeare poached upon Sir Thomas Lucy's deer preserves and got haled before that magistrate for it。 But there is no shred of respectworthy evidence that anything of the kind happened。
The historians； having argued the thing that MIGHT have happened into the thing that DID happen； found no trouble in turning Sir Thomas Lucy into Mr。 Justice Shallow。 They have long ago convinced the worldon surmise and without trustworthy evidencethat Shallow IS Sir Thomas。
The next addition to the young Shakespeare's Stratford history comes easy。 The historian builds it out of the surmised deer…steeling； and the surmised trial before the magistrate； and the surmised vengeance…prompted satire upon the magistrate in the play： result； the young Shakespeare was a wild； wild； wild； oh； SUCH a wild young scamp； and that gratuitous slander is established for all time！ It is the very way Professor Osborn and I built the colossal skeleton brontosaur that stands fifty… seven feet long and sixteen feet high in the Natural History Museum； the awe and admiration of all the world； the stateliest skeleton that exists on the planet。 We had nine bones； and we built the rest of him out of plaster of Paris。 We ran short of plaster of Paris； or we'd have built a brontosaur that could sit down beside the Stratford Shakespeare and none but an expert could tell which was biggest or contained the most plaster。
Shakespeare pronounced 〃Venus and Adonis〃 〃the first heir of his invention；〃 apparently implying that it was his first effort at literary composition。 He should not have said it。 It has been an embarrassment to his historians these many； many years。 They have to make him write that graceful and polished and flawless and beautiful poem before he escaped from Stratford and his family1586 or '87age； twenty…two； or along there； because within the next five years he wrote five great plays； and could not have found time to write another line。
It is sorely embarrassing。 If he began to slaughter calves； and poach deer； and rollick around； and learn English； at the earliest likely momentsay at thirteen； when he was supposably wretched from that school where he was supposably storing up Latin for future literary usehe had his youthful hands full； and much more than full。 He must have had to put aside his Warwickshire dialect； which wouldn't be understood in London； and study English very hard。 Very hard indeed； incredibly hard； almost； if the result of that labor was to be the smooth and rounded and flexible and letter…perfect English of the 〃Venus and Adonis〃 in the space of ten years； and at the same time learn great and fine and unsurpassable literary FORM。
However； it is 〃conjectured〃 that he accomplished all this and more； much more： learned law and its intricacies； and the complex procedure of the law…courts； and all about soldiering； and sailoring； and the manners and customs and ways of royal courts and aristocratic society； and likewise accumulated in his one head every kind of knowledge the learned then possessed； and every kind of humble knowledge possessed by the lowly and the ignorant； and added thereto a wider a