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then； telling me no one played the fool in Elysium； bid me go
back again。〃
CHAPTER XIX
Julian appears in the character of a beggar。
〃I now returned to Rome； and was born into a very poor and
numerous family； which； to be honest with you； procured its
livelihood by begging。 This； if you was never yourself of the
calling； you do not know； I suppose； to be as regular a trade as
any other； to have its several rules and secrets； or mysteries；
which to learn require perhaps as tedious an apprenticeship as
those of any craft whatever。
〃The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable。
This indeed nature makes much easier to some than others； but
there are none who cannot accomplish it； if they begin early
enough in youth； and before the muscles are grown too stubborn。
〃The second thing is the voice lamentable。 In this qualification
too； nature must have her share in producing the most consummate
excellence： however； art will here； as in every other instance；
go a great way with industry and application； even without the
assistance of genius； especially if the student begins young。
〃There are many other instructions； but these are the most
considerable。 The women are taught one practice more than the
men； for they are instructed in the art of crying； that is； to
have their tears ready on all occasions： but this is attained
very easily by most。 Some indeed arrive at the utmost perfection
in this art with incredible facility。
〃No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than
the beggar's。 Their knowledge of the passions of men is so
extensive； that I have often thought it would be of no little
service to a politician to have his education among them。 Nay；
there is a much greater analogy between these two characters than
is imagined； for both concur in their first and grand principle；
it being equally their business to delude and impose on mankind。
It must be confessed that they differ widely in the degree of
advantage which they make by their deceit； for； whereas the
beggar is contented with a little； the politician leaves but a
little behind。
〃A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy； in
taking care never to address any one with a title inferior to
what he really claims。 My father was of the same opinion； for I
remember when I was a boy； the pope happening to pass by； I
tended him with 'Pray； sir；' 'For God's sake； sir；' 'For the
Lord's sake； sir；'To which he answered gravely； 'Sirrah；
sirrah； you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord's name in
vain；' and in vain it was indeed； for he gave me nothing。 My
father； overhearing this； took his advice； and whipped me very
severely。 While I was under correction I promised often never to
take the Lord's name in vain any more。 My father then said；
'Child； I do not whip you for taking his name in vain； I whip you
for not calling the pope his holiness。'
〃If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy's example；
the nuisance of beggars would soon be removed。 I do not remember
to have been above twice relieved by them during my whole state
of beggary。 Once was by a very well…looking man； who gave me a
small piece of silver； and declared he had given me more than he
had left himself； the other was by a spruce young fellow； who had
that very day first put on his robes； whom I attended with 'Pray；
reverend sir； good reverend sir； consider your cloth。' He
answered； 'I do； child； consider my office； and I hope all our
cloth do the same。' He then threw down some money； and strutted
off with great dignity。
〃With the women I had one general formulary： 'Sweet pretty
lady；' 'God bless your ladyship；' 'God bless your handsome face。'
This generally succeeded； but I observed the uglier the woman
was； the surer I was of success。
〃It was a constant maxim among us； that the greater retinue any
one traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves
from them； but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no
servant we imagined our booty sure； and were seldom deceived。
〃We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance
in the same person； for instance； a losing gamester is sometimes
generous； but from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as
a single groat。 A lawyer traveling from his country seat to his
clients at Rome； and a physician going to visit a patient； were
always worth asking； but the same on their return were （according
to our cant phrase） untouchable。
〃The most general； and indeed the truest； maxim among us was；
that those who possessed the least were always the readiest to
give。 The chief art of a beggar…man is； therefore； to discern
the rich from the poor； which； though it be only distinguishing
substance from shadow； is by no means attainable without a pretty
good capacity and a vast degree of attention； for these two are
eternally industrious in endeavoring to counterfeit each other。
In this deceit the poor man is more heartily in earnest to
deceive you than the rich； who； amidst all the emblems of poverty
which he puts on； still permits some mark of his wealth to strike
the eye。 Thus； while his apparel is not worth a groat； his
finger wears a ring of value； or his pocket a gold watch。 In a
word； he seems rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on
you。 Now the poor man； on the contrary； is very sincere in his
desire of passing for rich； but the eagerness of this desire
hurries him to over…act his part； and he betrays himself as one
who is drunk by his overacted sobriety。 Thus； instead of being
attended by one servant well mounted； he will have two； and； not
being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value； one
of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion。 He is
not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes； he therefore
claps on some tawdry ornament； and what he adds to the fineness
of his vestment he detracts from the fineness of his linen。
Without descending into more minute particulars； I believe I may
assert it as an axiom of indubitable truth； that whoever shows
you he is either in himself or his equipage as gaudy as he can；
convinces you he is more so than he can afford。 Now； whenever a
man's expense exceeds his income； he is indifferent in the
degree； we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to
flatter them with their wealth and splendor； and were always
certain of success。
〃There is； indeed； one kind of rich man who is commonly more
liberal； namely； where riches surprise him； as it were； in the
midst of poverty and distress； the consequence of which is； I
own； sometimes excessive avarice； but oftener extreme
prodigality。 I remember one of these who； having received a
pretty large sum of money； gave me； when I begged an obolus； a
whole talent； on which his friend having reproved him； he
answered； with an oath； 'Why not？ Have I not fifty left？'
〃The life of a beggar； if men estimated things by their real
essence； and not by their outward false appearance； would be；
perhaps； a more desirable situation than any of those which
ambition persuades us； with such difficulty； danger； and often
villainy； to aspire to。 The wants of a beggar are commonly as
chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman； for besides vanity；
which a judicious beggar will always apply to with wonderful
efficacy； there are in reality very few natures so hardened as
not to compassionate poverty and distress； when the predominancy
of some other passion doth not prevent them。
〃There is one happiness which attends money got with ease；
namely； that it is never hoarded； otherwise； as we have frequent
opportunities of growing rich； that canker care might prey upon
our quiet； as it doth on others； but our money stock we spend as
fast as we acquire it； usually at least； for I speak not without
exception； thus it gives us mirth only；