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queen； and wished I might not be one： I would have my lord Percy
happy without me； and yet I would not have the power of my charms
be so weak that he could bear the thought of life after being
disappointed in my love。 But the result of all these confused
thoughts was a resolution to obey my father。 I am afraid there
was not much duty in the case； though at that time I was glad to
take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own
actions in the true light。 When my lover came again I looked on
him with that coldness that he could not bear； on purpose to rid
myself of all importunity： for since I had resolved to use him
ill I regarded him as the monument of my shame； and his every
look appeared to me to upbraid me。 My father soon carried me to
court； there I had no very hard part to act； for； with the
experience I had had of mankind； I could find no great difficulty
in managing a man who liked me； and for whom I not only did not
care but had an utter aversion to： but this aversion he believed
to be virtue； for how credulous is a man who has an inclination
to believe！ And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages
and love； and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on
a man in such a station of life that she might show her love
without being suspected of hypocrisy or mercenary views。 All
this was swallowed very easily by the amorous king； who pushed on
the divorce with the utmost impetuosity； although the affair
lasted a good while； and I remained most part of the time behind
the curtain。 Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used such
arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him the
more eager for it； begging that； unless his conscience was really
touched； he would not on my account give any grief to his
virtuous queen； for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly
honored； and that I would not only forego a crown； but even give
up the pleasure of ever seeing him more； rather than wrong my
royal mistress。 This way of talking； joined to his eager desire
to possess my person； convinced the king so strongly of my
exalted merit； that he thought it a meritorious act to displace
the woman （whom he could not have so good an opinion of； because
he was tired of her）； and to put me in her place。 After about a
year's stay at court； as the king's love to me began to be talked
of； it was thought proper to remove me； that there might be no
umbrage given to the queen's party。 I was forced to comply with
this； though greatly against my will； for I was very jealous that
absence might change the king's mind。 I retired again with my
father to his country…seat； but it had no longer those charms for
me which I once enjoyed there； for my mind was now too much taken
up with ambition to make room for any other thoughts。 During my
stay here； my royal lover often sent gentlemen to me with
messages and letters； which I always answered in the manner I
thought would best bring about my designs； which were to come
back again to court。 In all the letters that passed between us
there was something so kingly and commanding in his； and so
deceitful and submissive in mine； that I sometimes could not help
reflecting on the difference betwixt this correspondence and that
with lord Percy； yet I was so pressed forward by the desire of a
crown； I could not think of turning back。 In all I wrote I
continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a distance
from him； since at this time it conduced indeed to my honor； but；
what was of ten times more weight with me； I thought it was
necessary for his； and I would sooner suffer anything in the
world than be any means of hurt to him； either in his interest or
reputation。 I always gave some hints of ill health； with some
reflections how necessary the peace of the mind was to that of
the body。 By these means I brought him to recall me again by the
most absolute command； which I； for a little time； artfully
delayed （for I knew the impatience of his temper would not bear
any contradictions）； till he made my father in a manner force me
to what I most wished； with the utmost appearance of reluctance
on my side。 When I had gained this point I began to think which
way I could separate the king from the queen； for hitherto they
lived in the same house。 The lady Mary； the queen's daughter；
being then about sixteen； I sought for emissaries of her own age
that I could confide in； to instill into her mind disrespectful
thoughts of her father； and make a jest of the tenderness of his
conscience about the divorce。 I knew she had naturally strong
passions； and that young people of that age are apt to think
those that pretend to be their friends are really so； and only
speak their minds freely。 I afterwards contrived to have every
word she spoke of him carried to the king； who took it all as I
could wish； and fancied those things did not come at first from
the young lady； but from her mother。 He would often talk of it
to me； and I agreed with him in his sentiments； but then； as a
great proof of my goodness； I always endeavored to excuse her； by
saying a lady so long time used to be a royal queen might
naturally be a little exasperated with those she fancied would
throw her from that station she so justly deserved。 By these
sort of plots I found the way to make the king angry with the
queen； for nothing is easier than to make a man angry with a
woman he wants to be rid of； and who stands in the way between
him and his pleasure； so that now the king； on the pretense of
the queen's obstinacy in a point where his conscience was so
tenderly concerned； parted with her。 Everything was now plain
before me； I had nothing farther to do but to let the king alone
to his own desires； and I had no reason to fear； since they had
carried him so far； but that they would urge him on to do
everything I aimed at。 I was created marchioness of Pembroke。
This dignity sat very easy on me； for the thoughts of a much
higher title took from me all feeling of this； and I looked upon
being a marchioness as a trifle； not that I saw the bauble in its
true light； but because it fell short of what I had figured to
myself I should soon obtain。 The king's desires grew very
impatient； and it was not long before I was privately married to
him。 I was no sooner his wife than I found all the queen come
upon me； I felt myself conscious of royalty； and even the faces
of my most intimate acquaintance seemed to me to be quite
strange。 I hardly knew them： height had turned my head； and I
was like a man placed on a monument； to whose sight all creatures
at a great distance below him appear like so many little pigmies
crawling about on the earth； and the prospect so greatly
delighted me； that I did not presently consider that in both
cases descending a few steps erected by human hands would place
us in the number of those very pigmies who appeared so
despicable。 Our marriage was kept private for some time； for it
was not thought proper to make it public （the affair of the
divorce not being finished） till the birth of my daughter
Elizabeth made it necessary。 But all who saw me knew it； for my
manner of speaking and acting was so much changed with my
station； that all around me plainly perceived I was sure I was a
queen。 While it was a secret I had yet something to wish for； I
could not be perfectly satisfied till all the world was
acquainted with my fortune： but when my coronation was over； and
I was raised to the height of my ambition； instead of finding
myself happy； I was in reality more miserable than ever； for；
besides that the aversion I had naturally to the king was much
more difficult to dissemble after marriage than before； and grew
into a perfect detestation； my imagination； which had thus warmly
pursued a crown； grew cool when I was in the possession of it；
and gave me time to reflect what mighty matter I had gained by
all